Confessions of a Quartermaine
by LionQueen22
Summary: Dillon's trials and tribulations in Port Charles. Dillon is a much funnier/crazier person than we once thought. CRACK!FIC!
1. Calm Your Buns

**Disclaimer: **I obviously don't own General Hospital. Or Dillon "Dilly Bar" Quartermaine.

This was written about three years, ago so the storyline is about early 2005ish (though this story deals more with characters than storylines). **This is a total and complete CRACK!FIC. **Out of character, strange/hilarious situations. This is not meant to offend anyone, and was written in good fun.

Chapter 2, should be up soon. The best is yet to come!

Confessions of a Quartermaine

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** Welcome to Dillon's Romantic Hideaway**

**All hot guys welcome**

This was the sign on the front of Dillon Quartermaine's bedroom door. He had hand-crafted it himself with his "girlfriend" Georgie Jones. Dillon only went out with this person because he wasn't sure if they were a man or a woman. Georgie. It could go either way. Most people in Port Charles could only guess.

Today Dillon had a special surprised for Georgie. She was coming over just so he could tell her. She couldn't wait to find out what it was. A romantic dinner? Spending a night watching chick flicks (Dillon's absolute favorite)? Boy was she wrong. Did she even want to know?

Walking through the door of her friend's room, Georgie couldn't believe her eyes. Dillon was working out in front of his bed in a Spandex outfit with a sweatband on his head and a huge belt around his waist.

Not hearing Georgie walk in, he kept on with his jumping jacks.

"C'mon, Dillon, you can do it! You want those buns of steel Richard Simmons keeps talking about, don't you? Aww, yeah baby!" He was talking to himself now, pumping himself up.

Georgie walked in further, waving shyly.

Dillon stopped exercising and greeted his beloved.

Out of breath, "Hey Georgie, just working on-"

"Your buns of steel. Yeah, I heard."

"Oh great. I'm working really hard because I'm trying to get fit. I'm going to try out for the part of Jax in _Port Charles: The Opera_. It's going to be so great. You and Brook Lynn and Diego can all come see it."

She was happy for him being excited and all. 

"Can't wait." Sarcastically, Georgie put up two thumbs and smiled.

"You'll love it. I've read the script. Mike Corinthos wrote it. You know, the guy who owns _Kelly's_?"

"Yeah, I know him."

"He's the best dude in the whole wide world."

Dillon stopped the tape and turned off the TV on his white dresser. Turning on his Barbie radio/CD player (complete with Hello Kitty stickers), he gave a little giggle. Spinning around to face Georgie, he got all excited. 

"I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE _Baby, One More Time_. It's really her only good album. Absolutely my favorite."

"Oh my God, mine too." Georgie rolled her eyes, wondering how much more sad this was going to get.

As the beginning of _Baby, One More Time_ rolled in, Dillon got down to business. Turning down the music (if you want to call it that), Dillon sat down on his bed and patted it for Georgie to sit down.

"Okay Georgie, the reason I had you over today, was because I had to tell you something G-R-E-A-T!", he hesitated slightly.

"Well, what is it?" Georgie was getting impatient quick.

"Okay, okay. Calm your buns. What I've been wanting to tell you is-" the two were sitting on his bed, Dillon's hand on Georgie's knee, "I'm going on tour."

"Oh, had your band taken off?"

"You mean _Elmo, Big Bird, and Dillon_?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Oh, their schedules are too busy to go on tour, but I'm going to be in sort of a group. They're called _The Wiggles_. Do you know them?"

Georgie shook her head no, kind of scared.

"Well, they have these really weird accents because they're from Australia. Australia! Just like Jaxie!"

Dillon has a way of getting over-excited.

"And now I'm going to be in their group thing. Isn't it great?"

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Read review. Chapter 2 will be up shortly. 


	2. Bestest Wittle Friendy

Chapter 2

Georgie walked through the door of Dillon's room and shut it behind her. Seeing his friend, Dillon was overcome with joy. He jumped into her arms (literally making her grab him, so he wouldn't fall), "Georgo!" he jumped down, poking her playfully in the nose, "My bestest wittle friendy!" Dillon started talking to her as if she were a baby and grabbed her cheeks. "My wittle smiley puss!"

"Um, Dillon what did you want me over for?"

"Duh, silly. You have to help me with my new "Dillaerobics" routine to "I Would Do Anything for Love" by Meatloaf. Then we're going to listen to my new CD – the Backstreet Boys' "The Hits: Chapter One". It's so good. Then we're going to pick flowers from my garden!"

"You have a garden!"

"Of course I do! I'm getting a greenhouse shipped to me, along with _Grease 2_: Platinum Edition."

Dillon breaks into song, "Let's bowl, let's bowl, let's – "

He was cut off by Georgie, "ROCK 'N' ROLL!"

"Georgie, you're my hero!" he goes off randomly with his hands together on one side of his face.

"Oh, um, yeah, thanks. I guess that means a lot, seeing as Glenn Close was last week."

""Isn't she the B-E-S-T?" During this he went into a cheer about her.

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The best is still yet to come. Read review, please :)


	3. Oh My Flipping God!

Chapter 3

Dillon sat on his bed, reading a self-help book for women and talking to himself out loud.

"I cannot wait to see Jaxiepoo today. He's such a sexy beast. I have to tell him about my raging hormones. This book is great for helping you control them, but they're my friends." He hugs himself. "Why can't we just be buddies? I mean, I want to be in the mob and go to film school. I don't see why I can't do both. Look at Jason!"

Dillon takes his eyes off of his book to look up at his blown-up poster of his cousin Jason.

"Oh, the glory!"

"Wait!" Dillon gasped suddenly; realizing one of his daily chores was not yet completed. Ripping through the mail.

Dillon's put on his Homer Simpson slippers and slipped on his white robe that was decorated with pink cats.

He hugged his body, "I just adore terrycloth!"

He walked down his long turning driveway, fixing the curlers in his hair.

He opened the mailbox, making sure not to smudge his freshly manicured fingers. He looked up, remembering.

"Oh, my full body massage and facial is tomorrow! Cannot wait! Ric Lansing is the masseuse!"

Dillon went back to getting the mail and flipping through.

"Bills, bills, Tracy's jury duty stuff. Oooh! Cosmo and Vogue complete with free lipstick samples. Yes. Oh…my….flipping…God, **Nickelodeon Magazine**!" he poked the magazine, "I can't wait to read you, no I can't!"


	4. It's Dillon's World

Chapter 4

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Dillon skipped through his tomato patch, wearing his yellow raincoat, with matching hat and boots.

"Give a little whistle! Hmm Hmm. Give a little whistle! Hmm Hmm." He sang.

He bent down and cradled the vegetables.

"My little fruitsies! You've gotten so big. You're flying off the charts."

These were his babies, and he treated them with all the love and care he could possibly give them.

"Oh Suzie, John-John. Look at you, Lily! Oh my goodness, Oliver. And little Lorenzo Alcazar Junior!"

He felt a sudden surge of anger. Ripping little Lorenzo from the patch, he bit right into him.

"Rawr."

The juice dripped from the tomato. He apologized.

"Sorry, buddy." He held the red vegetable/fruit out in front of him. "I've just had a really bad day. Well, more like week. See, my bestest friend, Diego Sanchez got the role of 'Vanessa' in some Port Charles production. Now he's always at rehearsal and never has time for me. It's not fair at all. It's Dillon's world, and everybody else just lives in it." A tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it, smudging his blush.

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That's all for now. Or is it?


End file.
